You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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