Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
