Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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