I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just want nice things and good sex
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
