Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
