I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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