This girl is more easily done than said...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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