i would punch a child for taco bell
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As shirtless as possible
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
