tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
