Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
