my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I forgot wine drunk hurts
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
