Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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