Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
