i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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