dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
