HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
