The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
