Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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