Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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