i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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