I'm jealous of your bromance
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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