By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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