Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just google imaged poop.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
