My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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