He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
