Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
