That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
