I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
