Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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