My liver just broke up with me...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
