I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
