Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
