i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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