I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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