I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
