Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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