I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
