You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
