Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am naked and annoyed.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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