im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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