So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
