Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Girls should come with a carfax report
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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