I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
