well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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