you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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