Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
