Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
