remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
