You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
