I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
