i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
