You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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