my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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